First World Problems

Sometimes I really hate dealing with HP but my significant other says Dell is a product of Satan, so not many choices out there.



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Christmas

Hi all!  Quickly check out the bat charm Roger gove me for Christmas.  Isn't it the coolest?

So get this...Christmas was NICE!  It's not been great these past
few years. I mean, I'm happy with my life...I have a wonderful
partner who loves me even though I'm severely damaged as an individual mentally as well as physically.  I have a son who is
turning out to be somewhat of a musical savant at 14, which I can live with.  I have two step-children:  Miranda (15) who is so much like her father...Doctor Who fan, loves math (ew), is just as cynical as her father and I are, loves Marvel comics (she got that from me.  I've been in love with Marvel since 1985), doesn't give two shits what her peers think about her (another trait she got from me.  I was the goth kid in school and a pioneer of gothiness I was.  I had the black hair, which is naturally red...the white make-up - I used cornstarch as face powder, black lipstick and layers of Wet N Wild eyeliner...only because it was .99 per pencil).  I listened to bands no one had ever heard of back then:  The Birthday Party (who are now Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds or Grinderman, depending on who is playing the actual instruments), The New York Dolls (Billy Idol started out with them), Patti Smith (if you've never heard the song "Because The Night", you are missing a major chunk of musical greatness.  10,000 Maniacs covered it around 1993 and Natalie Merchant nailed it.  I listened to Lou Reed and the Velvet Underground, The Dickies etc.  I was 14 and my goal in life was to go to CBGB's and see Iggy and the Stooges perform.  Incidentally, the song, "The Passenger" is STILL my favorite song to this day.  It's been covered by everyone, but give it a listen.  It's so perfect and wonderful.  I heard it the other day on a goddamned Lincoln Continental Commercial.  I'd like to think Iggy didn't sell out, he bought in.

So this year I put up a tree - something I haven't done for the past three years due to depression.  Roger said it was good that I put one up...that I've been more "me" lately.  A few months ago I switched anti-depressants and those take a few months to kick in, so maybe these will work.  I went from Prozac (which worked miracles for me in 1992 but did squat this time) to Wellbutrin.  And a plus?  I'm smoking a lot less, so hopefully win/win.

My son, Alex, is coming to live with me at the end of the school year.  I'm so excited!  He's not thrilled he has to leave the ranch in Oklahoma, but his father relapsed and is going into a 6 month rehab program.  This is his third time and for my son's hope, he stays sober.  I know why he does drugs.  His mother was the first person he ever got high with.  He was 11 at the time.  He never HAD a mother...she was always fucked up.  She died when Alex was 2 (he's almost 15) of a drug overdose.  So my ex, no matter the female, he always treats them like shit after he's been in the relationship for a while.  He's expecting the woman he's with to give him what his mother didn't.  And it doesn't work that way.  Thing is, everyone is aware of this...he just is the only one that doesnt' see it.  And until he realizes it, and talks it out with a professional, he'll never be well.

Eh, enough about that.  My arthritis is wonky and my hands are killing me.  God love auto-immune...it's the gift that keeps on giving. 

Until next time!

Bi-focals

So Roger & I went to the eye doctor Saturday (@ 8am.  Who the hell makes an appointment at 8am? My mate, apparently)  and I totally caved and am getting bi-vocals.  Fuck me.

Now I know I've needed them for 5 years now.  I ember the day when my son handed me a bottle of ibuprofen and I was reading the dosage for a 10 year old or whatever his weight was then...and I couldn't read the print.  I took off my glasses and held my arm out until shit came into focus.

So, now after my 5 year denial, I can't even see the computer screen with my glasses on & can see "meh" better with them off.  I am officially old.  My son is 14 & a musical savant.  He was at our home in Chicago last Christmas.  He heard the theme to "Game of Thrones" a few times.  He then went back to his "school residence" & commenced to compose his own piano arrangement for the song.  Melody & countermelody...it was gorgeous.  Did I mention he taught himself to play the piano in 2 years?  Yes, he did.  He is also the #1 baritone player in Oklahoma at the age of 14.

I'm so proud!

So yeah, bi-vocals.

Roger is 4 years older.  He needs them, too, but he didn't cave.  Bastard.  And I say that with all the love in my heart.  Dammit.

Oh, this is my genius when he was little.  Adorable?  Absolutely.

Turning 45 & the tragedy of death.

So. I turned 45 this week. Can I just say...


When in God's name did this happen????  It was YESTERDAY I was at Lollapalooza when Perry Farrell was still really into it and it actually TRAVELED with Jim Rose's Side Show Circus.  

I saw, that particular year, L7, George Clinton and Parliment Funkadelic, Stereo Lab, Beastie Boys, and the ENTIRE REASON I went was to see...Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

I love his sense of storytelling throughout his music.  And when he wrote "And the ass saw the angel?"  He had that Southern Gothic dialect down.  I know, because I grew up in a swamp in New Orleans.  And I'm white, so I enunciate.

Most thrilling thing ever for me. 

Nick Cave's teenage son died today.  Anyway, I am heartbroken at any parent losing a child...I have no words.  I know if my Jellybean were to...something would happen?  

I would be destroyed.  There are no other words for it.   I couldn't live without my child and to think of someone I admire doing just that?  My heart weeps for them.

K 

Waiting...

I swear to any deity within earshot:  I will turn 50 before Windows 10 is finally installed.  And I'm quite patient.

Not much going on lately.  My incredible offspring known, as Alex, flew home last Saturday morning at the ungodly hour of 8:30am.  I was like, "Who the fuck books a flight that early?"

Apparently the culprit was none other than myself.

This is my son and his BFF, Claire.  Not to be confused with his girlfriend, Rachel.  Both are amazing and I adore them.

Here is the latest of yours truly.  I rarely wear make-up because it winds up running down my face, I can't nap in it and Roger isn't a fan.  However, ever now and again...

And here we have one of MY BFF's, my first boyfriend and now my best gay, Chris.  We "dated" in 7th grade, held hands and such.  He's such an angel and has been with a great guy for the past 10 years and is the wonderful father of 3 teenagers.  I adore Chris.  Nothing says Big Ole Bear like he does.

Being away from friends is difficult living so far north.  Also?  People look at me oddly when I speak.  My southern drawl is VERY pronounced.  At least people remember me, yeah?

My parents are here.

Family, death, gumbo & scrabble.

This has been my weekend so far.  Let me begin at the beginning.

• A few months ago I made plans w/ my parents for them to drive up to Chicago for a visit (my mom loathes flying).  So they arrive late last night.  I'm totally happy to see them except earlier in the day, Roger & I received news via our friends Kim & Tony that a mutual friend, Mike, had died.  This was a huge blow to our community.

• I need to explain about how we know Mike & our circle of friends (the community).  About 6 years ago I was dating this guy who was as nerdy as I am:  he collected comic books, action figures, loved Sci-Fi, fantasy, table top gaming, video games...everything I have loved since my 1st "Planet of the Apes" action figure when I was 10 to playing hours of Pong on the God-given game system that was an Atari.  This guy said since I loved the Final Fantasy & Zelda games so much, I should try World of Warcraft.

          And so I did.

          I began in the middle of the 2nd x-pac called "The Burning Crusade" with a Night Elf Hunter & a Gnome Warlock. I raided, met some great people.  Then along came the

          3rd x-pac, "The Wrath of the Lich King" & I never looked back.  

• I was now a once-dead-but-now-alive-bad-motherfucking DEATH KNIGHT.  I wore plate armor & carried an axe larger than most people.  I was technically a Night Elf, but had a very pale countenance, bright pink hair, a skeletal horse, it's rotting flesh falling from its bones. And I could hit.  HARD. Very, very hard.  I could take damage like it was nothing more than a pesky insect.  I was nearly indestructible & I loved it.

• I joined a Guild, which is a balanced group of like-minded players who get along, band together & kill lots of things together.  I joined a guild called "Suspect Zero" led by a nice guy named Mike.  His Warcraft name was Shermann because his role in battle was a tank.  Tanks keep the monsters occupied, can tKe a SHITTON of damage and basically keep the baddies busy while the DPS (damage per second-that's what I do.  I'm melee which means fighting baddies up close & there are ranged DPS like Mages, hunters, priests & warlocks.  They do their damage with spells, so they stand back a ways.  We also have healers (priests, monks, shaman, druids, paladins) who keep us from dying.

• Anyway, as a group who has to basically anticipate each other's every move, you get to know these people VERY well.  Mike, our leader, is the one who introduced me to Roger, our Raid Leader & Holy Paladin (healer) & long story short?  Roger & I have been together for 5 years & are planning on getting married.  I'm 44 & he is 48.  Most of our guild is between 35 & 50.  It was just such a blow when Kim & Tony called to let us know Mike died.

• More on this next time.  I was going to talk about mom & dad, but all I can think of are my fellow guild-mates:  Hal, Toni, Matthew, Kim, Toni, Kyle, Sammy, Chuck, Crixy, Danny, Dan, DJ, Al, Zack, Margo, Iggi, James, Remy, Eddie, Lucas, Amelia, Winter & Sage.

• Until next time, guys.  I am going to cuddle up with Roger, we're going to decimate a cheesecake & watch Sense8.
  

The post I deleted on accident.

So yeah, I accidentally deleted a great post on what it's like to be me on a daily basis. Let me run that down for you:

Today we will discuss Crohn's Disease, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder, Bi-Polar Disorder and the always fun, Anxiety Disorder.


Crohn's Disease: Crohn's disease, also known as Crohn syndrome and regional enteritis, is a type of inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) that may affect any part of the gastrointestinal tract from mouth to anus. Signs and symptoms often include abdominal pain, diarrhea (which may be bloody if inflammation is severe), fever, and weight loss. Other complications may occur outside the gastrointestinal tract and include anemia, skin rashes, arthritis, inflammation of the eye, and tiredness.

At 25 I was disgnosed with an auto-immune disorder. For those not in the know, auto-immune is a disorder where, in the most basic terms, my immune system is very, very confused. Example:

Immune System: Yo, guys, listen up. There's some wacky shit going down in Pandora's intestine. We need to eradicate that problem post-haste.

So my immune system viciously attacks my intestine, tearing to shreds the "wacky shit" that's happening. Only there IS NO "wacky shit" going down. So my intestines (the upper, not the colon) is under siege, and as a result, my intestines are now a bloody mess. There are tears, lesions if you will, swollen almost closed and a great deal of pain. What I'm feeling is pain in my right side that is rather like being stabbed repeatedly then set on fire, and stabbed again. It is relentless. When I go to the bathroom, it is nothing but blood coming out and water which is supposed to be excrement. Only it's more like a bloody crime scene and you're sure the victim is about to exsanguinate. This happens everyday of my life and has since 1995. I've had 4 feet of my intestine removed due to infection (27 days in the hospital is no picnic but at least there was lots of morphine and ativan because I have high blood pressure and with my readings at 222/180 (130/90 being "normal") I was in the sweet spot for a stroke.

After the hospital release I managed to live for a whole 4 months then during a colonoscopy (I have a lot of those), the Crohn's had come back.

You know that feeling you have if you have contracted an evil virus or have had food poisoning and you feel like you are dying and have explosive diarrhea and are so weak and dehydrated you can barely walk?

THIS IS HOW CROHN'S PATIENTS FEEL EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THEIR LIFE.

I have dietary restrictions: very little (like once or twice a month I can eat red meat), no fresh vegetables (you eat a lettuce leaf, you poo a lettuce leaf - we can no longer digest raw veggies). No nuts, no whole grains.

So all of this health food craze of quinoa, kale (what the fuck? Kale used to garnish salad bars. It is not supposed to anchor a meal). And fiber? EVERYTHING is about fiber because Americans can't shit? I haven't had a solid bowel movement since 1995. Fuck your fiber. Oh and sidebar: gluten, unless you have celiac disease (which 99% of you do not), ISN'T HARMFUL. I'm sick of being offered gluten-free shit. Bread is one of the ONLY things I can digest, and sometimes I'd like to punch everyone in their gluten-free faces. I can do dairy, thank the Gods. I miss Caesar's salad like a bitch. I miss baked beans. Not because I'm white and trying to be trendy. Because I'm sick and I fucking love that stuff.

Rheumatoid Arthritis: Rheumatoid arthritis (RA) is a long lasting disorder that primarily affects joints. It typically result in warm, swollen, and painful joints. Pain and stiffness often worsen following rest. Most commonly the wrist and hands are involved with typically the same joints involved on both sides of the body. The disease may also affect other parts of the body. This may result in low red blood cells, inflammation around the lungs, and inflammation around the heart. Fever and low energy may also be present. Often symptoms come on gradually over weeks to months.The underlying mechanism involves the body's immune system attacking the joints.

Sounds like a fucking picnic, doesn't it. But wait...there's more!

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder where people feel the need to check things repeatedly, have certain thoughts repeatedly, or feel they need to perform certain routines repeatedly. People are unable to control either the thoughts or the activities. Common activities include hand washing, counting of things, and checking to see if a door is locked. Some may have difficulty throwing things out. These activities occur to such a degree that the person's daily life is negatively affected. Often they take up more than an hour a day. Most adults realize that the behaviors do not make sense. The main cause is anxiety disorder.

Bi-Polar Disorder: Bipolar disorder, also known as bipolar affective disorder and manic-depressive illness, is a mental disorder characterized by periods of elevated mood and periods of depression. The elevated mood is significant and is known as mania or hypomania depending on the severity or whether there is psychosis. During mania an individual feels or acts abnormally happy, energetic, or irritable. They often make poorly thought out decisions with little regard to the consequences. The need for sleep is usually reduced. During periods of depression there may be crying, poor eye contact with others, and a negative outlook on life. The risk of suicide among those with the disorder is high at greater than 6% over 20 years, while self harm occurs in 30–40%. Other mental health issues such as anxiety disorder and substance use disorder are commonly associated.

I also suffer from Hypergraphia, which is a behavioral condition characterized by the intense desire to write. Waxman and Geschwind were the first to describe hypergraphia. The patients they observed displayed extensively compulsive detailed writing, sometimes with literary creativity. The patients kept diaries, which some used to meticulously document minute details of their everyday activities, write poetry, or create lists.

Anxiety Disorder: With panic disorder, a person has brief attacks of intense terror and apprehension, often marked by trembling, shaking, confusion, dizziness, nausea, and/or difficulty breathing. These panic attacks, defined by the APA as fear or discomfort that abruptly arises and peaks in less than ten minutes, can last for several hours. Attacks can be triggered by stress, fear, or even exercise; the specific cause is not always apparent.

SIDEBAR: I guarantee you I'm not suffering anxiety over exercise. The panic attacks didn't raise their head until around 2004. Why? Probably because at that time my Crohn's was VERY bad and out of control. I ended up having the 4 feet of intestine removed a year and a half later. I was in constant pain, ran a nearly perpetual fever and was so weak all I wanted to do was sleep. But I didn't. I had a 4 year old son whom I love more than anything (and at 14, is the most awesome kid ever) and he needed me. ?SIDEBAR.

So this is what I suffer from on a daily basis. Next post I will tell you what bits of these disease I suffer from the most, let you know I'm not ashamed of being bi-polar (and I know some are, but the way I look at it is: beginning in the 7th grade, I realized that conformity was not only demeaning but incredibly boring. I became myself, wearing combat boots to school and The Clash t-shirts when everyone else was in Calvin Klein jeans and Ralph Lauren shirts. I was mocked, but I couldn't have given two shits. That time is where I found myself and it was the most free I've ever felt in my life. And I'm still that same person today. I'm 44 and still wear steel-toes combat boots, jeans and comic book t-shirts or a black t-shirt when I go anywhere. I've basically worn the same "uniform" for 30 years. It's comfortable, it's me and anything else would feel like a costume.

And with all of the shit I have on my back, I manage to lead a perfectly normal (I didn't say healthy) life. It's not without challenges, but we'll discuss that in another post. Below you'll see pics of me, me with the man that puts up with it all, and my son. He's older now, but this is my favorite photo of him. He was 3 and we lived in the South then. It was Christmas and he was at a relative's home. The look of wonder on his face as he came down that slide for the first time was magic to me. And it still is.

Be safe, readers. Until Next time.